Saturday, October 15, 2016

DIARY: A Very Stubborn Heart

     Why does my heart keep on holding on? Why does it ache still? Love is something funny, really. It has been something that I have taken seriously and good care of, and it still has left me dumb-founded every time. It drives me nuts to the point that I just find it laughable now. And although I have a distorted and abstract concept of what love is and all its forms, I still can't seem to understand it very well. It's like an elusive thing that the more you try to understand it, the more complex it gets. Like F. Scott Fitzgerald's saying goes: there are many kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice. Never the same love twice, yes, but similar? I would say yeah. I feel like I am rambling now.
     If only he knew how much I loved him. I feared for my life in the face of any risk of losing him. It drove me nuts. I got better at coping, though. I was able to let it slide. I was able to let him free on his own. We did fight, still, but it has diminished. The problem is we now can't bring back what was lively and hopeful. I don't know where it went wrong. If it was the constant fighting, then why can't I bring it back now that I have dealt with it... it still does not make sense to me. He tells me that we don't fit, and that we should reconsider. At first, I refused. I rejected the thought. I was hopeful about us still. But he said it enough to condition the human in me into thinking that maybe he was right. I still do not know what to do. When I first met this person, I had so many reasons why I loved him, but even when we hit rock bottom, and there was no more reason to love him... I still did. Is this a bad thing? My constant stubbornness has caused us this... I just do not know when to give up... I keep thinking of this person... in his bed... holding my hand... asking me to let go. Do I let go? Do I let go of this hand who wants to be free and is hurting? Or do I keep holding onto this hand? Keep worrying about this person... and now I am left thinking that hope can be a bad thing. Am I... doing something wrong? Hope and stubbornness... and eagerness and enthusiasm... optimism... all those things that are supposed to be good and wonderful... are causing him pain... I really do not know what's right anymore...
     If I stay... he hurts... and when I leave... it doesn't... do I just let this person go...? I am selfish, aren't I? For holding him back because I simply am hopeful. It is not right, is it? Maybe love also means letting go... "there are many kinds of love in this world..."
     But do I really give up on someone I love? Is that the right thing to do? When you love someone... shouldn't giving up be the last thing you both do? Isn't stubbornness needed in marriage? A heart that never gives up on love... isn't that what marriage is about? Isn't that what true love is? "Never the same love twice." When I hold on... it is me holding onto a love that is special to only us...
     I rambled again, didn't I? I should probably stop. I am not making anymore sense.

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