Wednesday, October 12, 2016

DIARY: One of My All-Time Lows

     I know that this blog is starting to become more of a diary instead of a blog, but I guess, I will write about whatever I want to without any restrictions.
     I have to admit that, ever since I stepped foot here in the States, my self-esteem has plummeted down significantly. In my first two years, it did not change dramatically whatsoever; however, ever since I started college, all the insecurities I never knew I had... began to appear. Not only that, but ever since I started dating again... all my insecurities have solidified until I no longer see myself as the same ol' confident Czarina that I was back in the Philippines. I am being serious here. The people, environment, and culture here in the US are strikingly different from those in Asia. It is just too image-based here. And I am not just referring to the media, but also most of the people I have ever been a someone to. Especially, a significant other. I do not want to dig deeper into this. I just want to write this off as my journey from being super confident and secured to having low self-esteem. Of course, the road does not end there. I am very hopeful that someday, everything that does not make sense now... will be crystal clear. And maybe this is just a phase. Maybe a product of what I have been through and who I have met. I can change that.  I can control that. And I will.
     The thing I am most insecure about is how I look. It is probably common, but I have to admit that I am really struggling with this one. I am in between excessively loving myself and constantly pitying myself. I am sure that is normal, too. I also know that my environment and the people I talk to play a vital part in nourishing that insecurity. And although I am too young and scared to do something about those now, I am certain that with a little more time, I will be able to get rid of those in the blink of an eye.
     So dear self as of now, be strong. You are used to telling yourself that you are strong. And you have proven this over and over again. You know what you are doing. Time heals wounds. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and don't you think that as a beholder yourself, this is fairly accurate? Remember that when you have given your all, loved wholly, and showed your bare true self, and you're still not the best let alone enough for one person, do not worry: you will be to another. And the person who loses you? Who could compare you to anyone else? Who always assumed that there will always be someone better than you? Do not believe him. You have seen and loved him as the best, so it is not you who will be losing who's best, rather he will be losing someone who he was best to. And if you have a hard time finding someone who finds you as the best, remember that it is harder to lose a person who thinks you're the best rather than losing someone who you think was the best. You are brave. You are an individual living one life just like everybody else. This life is yours to write. Do not end it as a tragedy. You are probably just in the first quarter of the whole book. You have a thousand more pages to write, so write well. And live well.

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