You just turned 23 today and to be honest, this is your first birthday I am celebrating as your fan. Though I haven't been a fan long enough to be considered one, I can say that I have loved you no less than a real fan had. I have a lot of things to say and I hope you take the time to listen [read]ㅡIf you ever come across this post.
First things first, I want to wish you a happy birthday, of course. I wish you the best in life and I wish you health, love and happiness. I hope you are happy with everything that's in your life and I hope you are taking good care of yourself despite being a celebrity. I hope you eat a lot and get enough sleep. Umm, that's pretty much it. I really don't know what else to say because I am trying so hard to make this less dramatic and delusionalㅡI tend to go overboard when I write sometimes.
Gaaahhh, you were super cute! Little Lay growing up is the cutest evolution ever! I am glad mama Zhang uploads your baby pictures every now and then. Your pictures really make me happy and I start to appreciate you even more. Sometimes, when I look at your old pictures I ask myself, "Is that really Lay? Is that the Yixing I knew and loved?", and it makes me smile every time. Thank you and your mom for sharing your past with me [us]ㅡIt means a lot.
"You did well, Yixing."
"Do you know what day today is?"
"It's your birthday!"
I wish I've met you sooner, Lay. I wish I lived closer to you and got to be with you while growing up. I wish you knew me personally and I wish I was there to at least witness something in your life. But I guess this cold iPad screen is the only way I'll ever see you. Worst thing is you don't even know me, and you prolly never will even if I attend your concerts multiple times.
I am jealous; Jealous of everyone who got and gets to be with you. If I was given a chance to spend time with you, I would savor it to the last minute. I would like to talk to you and hear your thoughts. I would like to make cookies and bake a cake for you. I would like to hear all your self-composed songs and maybe we can talk about lyric composition and make our own song together because I am a song writer myself (nothing professional though). I will even write you a poem on the spot if you want. If for just one day, I was given a chance, I will not waste a second. But how delusional can that be?
If sometimes you look in the mirror and see someone you don't like, please stop. Just thinking about it stings. I don't want you to emphasize your imperfections because you are perfect for me [us]. Sure, you have physical faults but that just mean you're human and I know you know that. I actually like your imperfections. I am a detail-freak and I see flaws faster than you can finish reading this sentence. But you know what people say, "Love is not blind, it sees but doesn't mind." Sure, you're not the sexiest oppa out there. Sure, you're ass is not as fine as Sehun's. Sure, you look like you always space out because of your lazy eye. But did you stop and think that maybe someone out there likes your flaws more than the art that is your beauty? I have a lazy eye, too. I am not super-model thin. I am not the healthiest person out there. Despite all that, I want someone to love my flaws as much as my strengths. Because only then can I say that that person truly loves me. That is why I have learned to love people's flaws more than their charms.
When I first started liking you, I saw a lot of comments saying you're the most underrated member of EXO, you went plastic surgery, you're ordinary, etc. Never did I believe any of those. Because to me you are special and you are definitely my favorite (along with Tao and Kris but you're way up there Mr. Zhang). You are unique in your own way; Your voice, your gaze, your personality, your talents... no one can be better at being Lay than Lay himself, right?
I also know about your blood coagulation disorder. And in all honesty, knowing that made me fall for you more because it goes to show that you're human and you're vulnerable like I am. I tend to fall for sick, sad, broken and mad people because I think they are in need of love the most. But looking at you, it seems like you have been showered with love your whole life. Is there still a space for me to fill in your heart?
Is it getting too dramatic? I think it is. I'm going to tone it down a bit.
Thank you for being Lay. Thank you for working hard just so we can see you on stage. Thank you for always giving your best when performing. Thank you for being nice and weird. Thank you for your patience, Lay, I have never seen anyone tolerate such things as long as you do. Thank you for taking care of your dongsaengs. Thank you for always writing back to your fans, not to mention you write long messages so you can express your love more. Thank you for bowing many times and for leaving the stage lastㅡKyaaa, you are super nice. You really are an angel! TT^TT
Thank you for being an angel and thank you for being you. I know that you are human like I am; You have troubles and worries like I have, you cry, you laugh, you have things inside you that you don't want the world to know. You sometimes skip meals and you're conscious of your weight. You feel insecure, you strive to be better, you get hurt by the slightest signs of hate. And knowing that, knowing that you are as human as I am, makes me fall harder for you. My family and friends might never understand and the world might think I am obsessed and delusional but you have played an important part in my life. You taught me that being weird is not a bad thing. You taught me to be nice to people even if they don't like me. You taught me that being alone doesn't always mean you're lonely.
I can feel that you love your fans so much and in return we will love you a thousandfold! Also, you worry too much. Thank you for worrying about us, for watching over your fans when they're near you. Please rest assured that we will do our best to live the life we want you to live for yourself. Thank you for being an inspiration both in music and in friendship. We can't thank you enough.
I'm going to dive in to a very touchy topic now, if you don't mind. About you dating, call me selfish but I think it's going to hurt me if you date now. I know it shouldn't be that way but I kinda have mixed feelings about it. I mean, I really can't force you not to date, right? And I obviously have no right. I used to get jealous of girls who were/are close to you. I even got jealous of your ex girlfriend and might get jealous if you date someone. But I can take all of it. I can suck it all in and breathe it all out in a sigh. Because I love you as a role model, as a human, and as a friend. And if letting you go one day will make you happy, then who am I to get in the way of that?
I know what it's like to love and be loved and it's a beautiful two-way street, and I would never want to deprive you of that. I just think that I [we] am [are] still not ready for that right now. But even if you do, I will try my best to understand and respect your decision. I mean, what can I do? After all, I am just a fan. Even if you get married someday and have kids, or go through divorce, or even get your popularity declined in the music industry... I will still be there cheering for you. If one day, people forget you and you are no longer promoting your music, I will still cheer you on. I will still buy your tickets, I will still hold your banner, I will still have your poster on my wall, I will still love you as much as I do now.
Before the last paragraph, I would like to tell you to stay strong. If you're still sad that Kris left, please don't be. Friends come and go like seasons. They change and they go their separate ways for a reason. Kris must've found his reason and one day you will, too.
Lastly, I would like to assure you that you will not be forgotten. Ever. If one day you hear someone screaming your name... "Yixing!", "Lay!", "Jia Shuai!"... it would be me. And I am sure I wont be the only one. I want you to live a happy life. I don't want to meet you now because you will be disappointed, but I will proudly meet you someday. Until then, I will mold myself to someone who will make you proud. Promise me [us] that you will take good care of yourself. And I promise, I will, too.
Once again, Happy Birthday
Zhang Jia Shuai
Please watch Lay's dancing videos and see how good of a dancer he is!
YIXING'S THANK YOU REPLY TO FANS' BIRTHDAY MESSAGES AND GIFTS:
"My heart can't take another blow. Without your love I just don't know what my life is for if I can't love you anymore." ♡