Missing Michael

Some nights, I want to write you a hello.

I can't. My fingers freeze at the keyboard now

at the sight of your name.

I remember how free they felt.

How they articulated relentlessly

when I wrote you good mornings.

I remember I used to sit you down,

and I told you how much I loved you.

Even when you were asleep, I kept

writing at the sight of you.

Paragraphs and sentences, and the commas

kept coming, skipping the period.

I wish I can hold you one more time.

One last time.

I wish I can ask you to stay with me

longer in the car at night.

I never regret a single minute of it,

because I know I'll need it someday

when I let you go.

I don't know where you are now,

but I hope you are well.

If I can kiss you one last time.

I'd ask for a second kiss.

And then another one.

Until I keep on kissing you,

until I can buy more time.

I wish I can lay in bed with you for a few minutes.

And then I'd ask for ten more.

Until we fall asleep in each other's arms,

and we never have to part for the night

like the few nights we shared in the past.

I wish I can see your face again,

instead of getting my fill of it on my phone screen.

I wish I can touch your cheeks again.

And hold your hand in the car.

And brush your hair.

And see you across the table.

One last time.

And maybe we can forget what went wrong between us.

Maybe we can forget what is wrong between us.

Forget that we're not meant for each other.

Just one last time? For as long as my heart

get its fill of happiness again.

I really only wished to be loved.

The same way I loved you because 

I am not going to lie, I truly loved you

more than you have loved me.

And I still do. I keep wishing for one last time.

One last time...? For a few more minutes...?

Stay with me for a few more minutes...?

Let's talk about the tree branches,

and how the squirrels are friendly.

Let's talk about how it's dark at night,

and how our eyes see more colors in the day.

Let's get ice cream...? 

Outside Texas

I am convinced,

without a doubt,

that love, for me,

is not in Texas.

He's in Seattle,

on a bench by

a park that houses

a playground of laughter

despite gray skies.

And what if he's in Boston?

He's leaning against the walls

of a museum.

Rebelling against the signs

that proclaim of its prohibition.

He puts art to shame.

Perhaps, he's lost in Brooklyn.

He crosses all lines and bridges,

but never pays for it.

His terracotta coat blends with the bricks.

He wants to be lost in the rust of the city.

Montana sings of home for him.

As the horses run wild and free,

he sings of his tunes.

He plucks every string.

He plucks every thing.

Dear Philly, will you bring him to me?

I think he runs the length of the city

to get to the shop that sells old vinyls

and smells of fresh roses from next door.

Maybe, just maybe, he'll love me, too.

But Texas never felt home to me.

He's always hurt me, 

and I don't think my heart could forget.

If it could, I would not be looking for love,

anywhere... other than here..

Michael in October {#2}

Some time in October,
electricity lit up the city,
like it does everyday;
however, on the 23rd,
I actually felt it.
I always knew
that the clouds float above me,
that the sun burns my eyes
and how bright things can make you cry, too,
that the hot water from the shower
feels like rain except
it actually stung when it's
not supposed to.
But some time in October,
I notice the sky was actually a dome
that encloses a safe place
the earth, our home.
The sun hurts me in many ways,
but in October,
I felt grateful for how it
allows vegetation, and beach days,
and sun-kissed skin, and California,
and summer flings, and sunflowers, too.
And when it rained,
I felt it, too.
Except I wasn't in the shower.
I was at Pickard Hall.
And you were in line by the nursing office,
and I was in the bathroom,
and yes I did notice you.
And yes, I chose to walk past you.
Because Michael,
that rainy morning,
it was not in the shower that I felt the rain.
I felt it the day I first saw you.
And unlike my hot showers,
it did not sting much.
But I had to walk past you.
Because the moment I recognized you,
I already knew, like my hot showers,
it's bound to sting soon.
When it's not supposed to.
October always felt like autumn,
because it is autumn, and with the leaves,
I fall for you, too.
Leaf by leaf, day by day.
Heart beat by heart beat.
But we both know that heartbeats
are just contractions of the heart that
eject volume to feed oxygen to our body.
But no, let me have my October.
Let me take a step back and not be like you,
who only lived to charge his phone,
and said that the clouds look like cotton candy,
and that Texas summers are the best,
and thought that rainy days are inconvenient
while laughing at the classic joke
that your car will get into an accident because of the sky.
In October, let me be not like you.
Let me feel October with my heart
and appreciate it like how I would a masterpiece.
Because you made it that way Michael.
You made Octobers make me feel every bit of it.

Of Michael {#1}

It hurts. But I must go on, mustn't I?

And I keep rewatching the movie,

examining each frame of the film,

rewinding the bar to 10:23,

fast-forwarding and pausing,

trying to read between the lines,

trying to look for the first signs of trouble

not just in you,

but in me, too.

And I don't want to admit this,

but I've always known all this time,

I just didn't want to face it.

That you bring out the worst in me,

as I do with you.

But I loved you. And you loved me.

And we said that a million times.

And shouldn't that have been enough?

But then again, I've always known

all this time,

that it wasn't and will never be.

And you see evil in me,

as I do in you,

but everyone has a little evil in them.

It is just that you chose to see that first,

and I did, too.

And it made me believe 

that I was as bad of a woman

as I have felt when I was with you.

So I started becoming it.

Trying to find justification for

your perception that I needed to merit.

The trick is, love, to believe in me.

To always let me know that I had good in me.

Have I not done that? Did you not hear that

enough from me? I guess it was a bad trick.

It was a mess.

Shattered glass on the floor.

Wallpapers torn off the walls.

Hangers dangling by the cabinet,

with no hints of you and me.

And maybe I could have kept you longer.

Maybe, had I just been less smart.

Less ambitious.

Less loud.

less disappointing.

Less of everything that I can do.

Maybe, just maybe, you would still be here.

But confidence was arrogance to you.

My ambitions towered your reality.

And the constant cheer I hear from the background,

was food for my ego in your eyes.

And the worst me that you saw,

as terrible as this might sound,

was already the best suppression of who I really am.

What more if I stripped myself naked?

More naked than when I take my clothes off in front of you.

And you realize that I could be worse in your eyes?

I lived this prison for some time now.

Of sleeping behind bars,

whose coldness cannot be felt by my fingertips.

And maybe I belong here.

But maybe, I don't.

I traced back to before I met you.

Looked at myself in the eyes of past lovers.

Heard my names in the sound of different voices.

And remembered who I was and can be,

in each pair of arms.

I was different in all,

but all pieces were truly of me.

I can't seem to show you this abstract I made

because you think badly of the cloth that hung over it.

So I let you walk out of the glass door.

Turned off the lights.

And locked the museum as I go home.

And you have your pains, too,

of which I cannot fathom as I cannot be you.

And you could write about them,

as beautifully or as painfully as you want.

But I have to let you go.

Because words are words,

and I only make up a letter in your sentence,

and won't ever be the dot that finishes it.

I have to understand that as much as you hurt me,

I have hurt you as badly, too.

And we're going to put a comma on that.

Or a semicolon.

Where you can start writing again.

Where you can be happy somewhere else.

Where you can fit in the puzzle more perfectly.

More comfortably.

More symmetrically.

Than you ever did with me.

DIARY: A Little Older, a Little Wiser

     Hello, blogbear! Hope you are doing well. Happy New Year to us! Remember to live each day as it is, and that it is okay to sometimes forget to live each day as it is. I have been gone for some time, and in all honesty, the reason I am writing again is because it is the 1st day of January, which gives me an excuse to do something "new."

     I am probably just going to write about myself again. I don't think a lot of my readers are interested in that anymore anyways. I find it easier to write when I write for myself instead of writing for others; however, I would like to entertain y'all as well. We have the comment section to interact with each other, and I hope y'all utilize it if y'all want to.

     Back in 2016, I know I wrote about how I found it so hard to love myself. I read through my posts, and I can't help but feel indifferent towards them now. My mind tells me I was in pain, but my heart can't seem to remember that pain anymore. I have fortunately grown out of that dark place. I do not regret all of it. I think, if it wasn't for that phase, I would not be able to understand myself and others well enough. It is a journey, dear blogbear. There will be rocks. There will be mountains to climb. Some days, you will have to walk the deserts without your fluffy slippers on. Some nights, you have to camp in the middle of the woods in a small, $30 Walmart tent. You will get scratched from the thorns of wild plants as you go off-trail in the forests, and you will sweat a lot under the heat of the sun. But you will get there. Being happy with and loving yourself is a journey. You can't skip the distance. You have to walk all its lengths. And when you get to your destination, to the point where you realize yourself is someone worth of the love you deserve, you will find out that the journey does not end there. The journey never ends. Your destinations are just check points. The journey of life keeps on and on, just with different adventures as you go. 2016, you made a stronger me. 2016 was the year of realizing my strengths and weaknesses. Of realizing that I live in a world that can be seen at different angles. And that the person who could not see and rejoice my strengths was better off somewhere else where his weak person would fit more. He simply was not for me.

     2017, though, was different. I think I have a lot to say about this year. The last half of 2016, I healed enough to finally open my heart to dating again. Long story short, it still did not end well. If anything, it turned out to be the worst. Well, worst in some aspects. It was rather a learning experience that, although was bittersweet and painful, I would never regret. I would not want to have it any other way either. The beginning of this year, I felt like a new person having to start over in Texas leaving the shelled and insecure Czarina back in Pennsylvania. I felt like I could do anything and be anyone who I wanted to be, and so I did. I started my new classes at the University of Texas at Arlington. I met someone and fell in love once more, giving love one more try. I thought to myself that I can love someone new now since I now know my worth and demanded to be treated according to my worth, and so I did. This person, though, taught me a lot about love. In summary, he helped me grow and make big leaps as a person but also managed to tear me down every so often. I can't really put it in a summary that makes sense because it is just too darn long and eventful. I learned that I crave honesty more than anything else. I learned that no matter how good a man treats you, if you are missing something, you'll make them settle and they will just look for whatever's missing in you in others. It was one thing to be tempted, but it was another to act upon it. I do thank him, though. I have never felt so aggressively fought for my entire life. To me, I think seeing him want to change and fight for me was already enough; however, not enough to make me want to keep him. I started out with enough confidence to keep moving; he helped me build this confidence as we went on, and in the end, he managed to tear it down as well. Because of him, I was left with absolutely nothing. In all aspects, I had nothing. I had to start over, but this time, with shame, anger, and little respect for myself. 2017, you own my lowest lows. I had some growing up to do. A friend told me that "when you hit rock bottom, you can't go any lower" to which I replied, "if you're at the bottom, all you can do is look and go up." I did just that. I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. I dropped out of 2 of my classes. I cried in my room for weeks. My mind was conditioned to crave him. My parents had to transfer me to Tarrant County College because they saw how much it affected me. I hated where I was. It was not the most painful, but it sure damn was the hardest. He simply was not for me. I looked up, and I prayed to God. And guess what? He answered me.

     2018 was the year of my highest highs. 2018 will always be the fruit of a love I had from someone who has helped me get back on my feet. I could have been told that I needed no one to do that. God could have just let me heal on my own, and yes, I could have healed on my own; however, I think God knows me so well. He knew that I had a lot of pride in myself, and making me survive this new low would have fed that pride a lot, I probably would have disconnected myself from everyone thinking I can do everything on my own. But God knows me so well, so He knew I had to heal by letting someone help me so that I do not think highly of myself. He knew I love the idea of love, anyways, so He probably hit two birds with one stone. I can only sing and praise 2018. I can only thank the man, who, although lied to me, brought out the best in me. If it weren't for him cheering me on sincerely everyday, reminding me that I can do all things and that he waited for me for a reason, I probably would not have seen the best side of me. I will forever remember his eyes and the way they looked at me as if I was the only woman in the world. I will forever rejoice the lips that told me of my strengths. Looking back, it was all perspective. I am not the best, nor the prettiest or smartest, and for the longest time, I struggled with that because Nathan reminded me of that reality, and Ben showed me that reality with his choices, but because of that man in uniform believing that I was, I became. I felt the smartest, the prettiest, the best self I possibly could ever be. Because of this, I have woke up everyday having the strength to carry the burdens of life on my own. It was an experience that I will never forget, and it has been almost a year now... and usually, I forget pains in the first half of the year, but what he has made me felt still lingers in my heart. Every now and then, whenever I am down, I bring out that box hidden away in my heart and find strength in him. God tested me, though. I have always been a woman of my own principles. I proudly said that I hold honesty above love, and God is sometimes sneaky like that. He put me to the test where I have to choose my greatest source of happiness or my own value. The man lied to me, and to me, this was God's way of seeing whether I learned anything from all my struggles with pain and dishonesty. I knew better and left. Most unfortunately, he... was not for me. 2018, you own my highest highs.

     2019, I can't help but feel excited for you. You are so young, and I have grown old. I can't say much about 2019 other than its youth. We're going to do good, yes? All I ask of you is to be kind to me, and in return, I will conquer you.

DIARY: 1 of 365

     Hello, blogbear! It is now day 1 of 365 for the year of 2019. I keep making all these "I am back" entries, and it's pointless, really. I keep making all these promises about blogging, but I never seem to see them all through. We'll see how it goes for this year.
     How have you all been? Let me know how y'all have been. I think the last time I wrote a post was October of 2016. That's more than a year and a half ago! I have been riding the waves of life like everyone does. I look back on all of my previous posts, and I can't help but feel all sorts of things toward them. I laugh, smile, ache a little, feel relieved, cringe, and whatnot. One thing I learned for sure, though, is that life is so fascinatingly unpredictable. It just darn is. All the cliche things that I used to hear when I was an angsty teenager make sense to me now as an adult. Be yourself. Never settle. Everything will be fine. No pain lasts forever. All that cliche stuff that we were all tired of hearing back then make so much sense and mean so much more now. I can't say that my life will stay the same. I can't predict where life is going to take me, and as much death anxiety I have in my blood, I can't help but feel excited thinking I don't know where life is going to take me. I think everyone should realize this. And yes, dear blogbear, we all grow wiser as we age. :)

PS: I'll post another update shortly after this.

K-DRAMA: It's Okay, That's Love

IT'S OKAY, THAT'S LOVE

Credits to owner. The photo shown above is not mine.

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

HIT THAT CLOSE BUTTON! CLOSE THE TAB!

DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!

TIMELY REACTION

20 OCT 2016

     I just got done with episode 4, and to be honest, I was confused in the first two episodes. I didn't know the characters' relationships until I got to the end of the second episode and so forth. I figured this might throw some viewers off, and I can understand if you discontinue watching this by the end of the first episode (beats me, I remember my attempt watching this drama in the past and closing the tab a few minutes in). Now, I am coming to like this more and more. I wouldn't say that it has had an impact on me yet. I like the fact that this is about mental health. The mental cases used as examples so far (Tourette's Syndrome, Brief Psychotic Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Depression, Gender Identity Disorder, OCD, and such) are common and profound ones, which is both a good thing and a bad thing for me. I like to know about the more complex mental illnesses other than those. I sure do hope that there are a lot more coming my way as I finish the other episodes.

     I like the fact that Hye Soo was able to figure out that Jae Yeol has OCD just by looking at the pattern and colors of his room. Hell, how the drama showed Jae Yeol's OCD was impeccable. It was subtle in the first few episodes (how it was delivered), but the latter episodes showed Jae Yeol checking the towel cabinet twice, him fixing the plate, and if you even pay attention to the background, you will see that some of the things in his bathroom are arranged in a weirdly organized way (toilet paper rolls on the shelf).

     Is it just me who got the feeling that something weird was going on with Jae Yeol and Kang Woo (Kyungsoo)? I kinda figured out that Kang Woo was imaginary. I am not certain, though, if Kang Woo is Jae Yeol's past self, figure of the past, imaginary friend, or whatever. I knew something was up between those two.

    Other than being puzzled about everyone's relationship with each other, I like the drama so far. I get the feeling it has mind blowing twists in the end, though, but nothing I feel I can't catch up to.

21 OCT 2016

     I just got done with episode 7. Dear Lord, the drama is a bit confusing to me. I mean, it's not that I don't know what's happening rather because I just don't like the supporting character's stories. So Nyeo and Soo Kwang's story isn't being elaborated that well. Soo Kwang likes her, but she has a boyfriend? The drama seemed to end it there. No progress for their story so far. As for Dong Min and Young Jin, I just don't get why these two were even a couple in the first place. I don't see chemistry in them. They always fight, and they seem like they both don't mix well. Don't get me started on Hye Soo's mom. What's the deal with her? She still contacts that President Kim, but there isn't even information on who he is. I feel like the characters' stories are independent of each other, but their stories individually don't have complexity nor a proper flow. Their stories appear to just be fillers stitched together to make the drama. It's the 7th episode, and I feel like I am only in this for bubbly background soundtracks, mental cases, and Jae Yeol's and Hye Soo's love story. Nothing more. Yes, the comedy, too. Also, how they treat their patients is just like giving them medications and advice. Like for real? You just tell a patient to "have the will" and then they expect them to get better. I did learn about "Amytal Sodium" aka amobarbital. Apparently, it's a sedative-hypnotic drug, which I thought was pretty cool!

     They do not even have any remarkable quotations that stand out. I do like Jae Bum and Jae Yeol's relationship. I like how Jae Yeol treats Jae Bum right despite their past (and their present). The character I like the most in this drama is Jae Yeol. I like his OCD and past very much. I like the character he plays.

     Hopefully, in the next episodes... I get to see some more complexity in this drama. I would still finish it, and I hope I do end up liking it the way I like Angel Eyes, I Hear Your Voice, and Descendants of the Sun.

24 OCT 2016

     I am typing this reaction on the 25th, but I actually finished the drama on the evening of the 24th. 9 episodes later and I can say that this drama is not as bad as I thought it was. I was still confused a lot and was left with questions episode after episode that all the questions just piled up until I no longer can recall any of them. I will say that, above all, Jang Jae Yeol made this drama. I am pretty sure most of the people who watched this will agree with me. His character, his struggles, his imperfections, they all made the drama more meaningful and lively. I feel like it's a little too late to react now, and having said that I finished 9 episodes in one sitting, I can barely remember what to say about each episode. I will be throwing in my two cents in the in-depth review below.

REVIEW

*** Overview ***

     Jang Jae Yeol (Jo In-Sung) is a novelist slash radio talk show host slash rich and handsome bloke who suffers from a variety of mental illnesses such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and, spoiler alert, Schizophrenia. He is very confident to the point of arrogance, but he is surprisingly kind-hearted and loving, especially towards his mother. Ji Hae Soo (Gong Hyo-Jin) is a Psychiatrist who suffers from a sex and physical contact phobia that was a result of witnessing her mother's infidelity. She has a nasty temper, is very frugal, but nevertheless hopeful. The two meet at a talk show where they both headbutted each other in a debate in which the more knowledgeable and witty Hae Soo wins. After seeing that side of her, Jae Yeol then gets intrigued by her and takes any chance to be in contact with her. Jae Yeol meets her again as a roommate and shares space with two others, Jo Dong Min, a Psychiatrist and Hae Soo's senior, and Park Soo Kwang (Lee Kwang Soo), a guy with Tourette's Syndrome. Jae Yeol is haunted by a rather complicated and dark past that still eats him subconsciously through guilt, strong enough to acquire Schizophrenia. With Han Kang Woo (Do Kyungsoo) in the picture, Jae Yeol spends a good amount of time with this high-schooler who is a mental and visual manifestation of his own guilt and young self. The guilt that he has kept inside for the past 3 years is from throwing his own brother, Jang Jae Bum, into prison for a crime that their own mother has done. Jae Yeol and Hae Soo's story unfolds as they both go through a rough journey of getting over mental illnesses together, moving on from the past, distinguishing reality from illusion, and sharing a love that overlooks flaws and imperfections.

*** Thumbs Up! ***

[Characters]

• Jang Jae Yeol

     I really liked Jang Jae Yeol as a character. I believe he was the one who made the drama, and that if it weren't for him, this show would be dull and boring. I like his quirks and flaws. The fact that he as OCD and that it can be seen in his dorm room and in the way he dresses are what really makes him a fun character! Him only being able to sleep in the bathroom is kind of weird but endearing. It shows how vulnerable and affected he is by the past, and that alone is enough to portray a strong link between his past and present self. His childhood story and trauma are heart-breaking to an uncomfortable degree. It is almost so unheard of and gruesome that you can't help but feel sympathy towards him.

     How he overcame his mental illness, resolved his past, and made peace with his guilty self are delivered impeccably by him. Props to Jo In-Sung's acting! He really nailed this one! Even his lovey-dovey moments with Hae Soo were carried out perfectly that I found myself squealing whenever they were intimate.

• Jang Jae Bum

     If there's a character that I resonate with the most, it would be Jang Jae Bum. I feel like he's the one who determined the dynamic of the whole drama. From willingly taking blame for Jae Yeol as a child, stabbing Jae Yeol with a fork, causing a scene by beating his brother up, being injected with the Amytal Sodium, being the deliverer of truth in the drama, being unjustly imprisoned, to forgiving everyone... I think Jae Bum wins the award for being the most dynamic character in the drama. I just can't help but love this guy. I would choose his character over Jae Yeol's, but it will be a close fight!

• Tae Yong

     He's probably the underdog of the drama. He did betray Jae Yeol at first, but if it weren't for Tae Yong running and helping around, they probably wouldn't have achieved anything. I feel like he was the one who constantly managed and figured out the situation. Although I disliked him strongly in the beginning, I found his sincerity and brotherly love towards Jae Yeol and Jae Bum, and his gratitude towards their mother (he is an orphan) to be a redeeming moment for him. He is like the invisible 3rd brother!

• Ji Hae Soo

     I didn't love her character as much as I thought I would. I usually dislike female leads because they tend to be annoying in many flavors, but I don't dislike her as much, so I guess that means I like her eh? I like her as a partner to Jae Yeol. That's about it. I think she is the perfect fit for him, too! Have you seen her outfits? And her body!? I feel like every time I see her, I would secretly envy her body. I like how Hae Soo is not conventionally pretty. I like how she's beautiful and unique in her own way. Not to mention, she was not as annoying as the other female leads I know.

• Park Soo Kwang

     Kwang Soo is a very great actor. My heart would sink a bit whenever Soo Kwang has his Tourette episodes, but I can't help but admire Lee Kwang Soo's acting skills. It's just so believable! As a character, I didn't like the fact that Soo Kwang was always hunting for a girl. It just irked me to no end. I loved how he cared for Hae Soo, though. There was a brother-sister love happening between them where they bicker but look after each other. I like it whenever he would look up to Jae Yeol as his older brother (hyung), and even taking care of Jae Yeol when he found out he was schizo.

[Story-Related]

• Jang Jae Yeol's OCD

     In my opinion, Jae Yeol's OCD is what made him the character that he is. It wasn't the main issue of the drama or a serious concern for that matter. It was more like an accessory mental illness that Jae Yeol carried with him. I like the fact that it didn't hinder him from functioning as a normal human being besides the fact that he sleeps in the bathroom and even I found that quite fun and different. His OCD was portrayed so subtly throughout the drama that I was vigilantly on the look out on how this oddity of his manifested. To point out some instances, he had toilet paper rolls aligned on top of an open shelf, red, blue, yellow towels piled evenly in his cabinets, and even a peculiar geometrical design going for his room and bookshelves. Not to mention, his room follows a color scheme of red, blue, and yellow, too. Of course, dare he jump out of that theme when it comes to fashion? He wears red, blue, yellow polo shirts with the occasional black, gray, and white shirts because come on, how can you live without black and white shirts?

• Jang Jae Yeol's Schizophrenia

     Even from the very beginning, I already knew he was too perfect to be normal. Whenever he was with Kang Woo, I get this strange eerie vibe from their relationship. Jang Jae Yeol (Jo In Sung) and Han Kang Woo (Do Kyungsoo) have this uncanny and strange resemblance when together. They both smile the same way, and their stories have similarities, which pretty much gave it away. Knowing guilt was the reason for his mental condition, we can learn a thing or two from this. Guilt is an ugly monster to play with. No wonder he turned schizo. Nevertheless, I like the fact that although Jae Yeol was the victim of his own mind and faults, he really isn't the bad guy. He's a complicated character with flaws, and I really like that about him.

• Jae Bum and Jae Yeol's Brotherhood

     Now, at first, I thought Jae Bum and Jae Yeol were enemies. Well, they were until the last few episodes. The two of them have this invisible bond that people may overlook and find hard to understand but exists and is unique to only the two of them. Everyone saw Jae Bum as some evil psychotic man, but Jae Yeol, knowing what his brother has done for him and their mother, understood why Jae Bum was the way he is. Jae Bum, although completely hateful of Jae Yeol, is actually very caring and loving. He just doesn't like to show it.

• Deception of Characters' Roles

     One of the main points of the story, I believe, is character role deception. To explain further and simply, Jae Yeol, being locked up in prison for 14 years despite being innocent, looks psychotic and mentally unstable but is actually the sane one. On the contrary, Jae Yeol, roaming freely and having framed his brother of a crime that their mother had done, looks normal and poise, when in reality, is the guilt-driven schizophrenic one. I am impressed by the simple logic here that was played out impeccably and flawlessly through the contrast of the two brothers. The lesson to be taken away here is that the internal and mental imprisonment controlled by self-condemnation and guilt cause greater damage overall than the incarceration of the innocent behind cold bars. To make it simpler, the truth will set you free. 

• Han Kang Woo as a Fantasy

     There were a handful of scenes that gave me the hibbly jibblies. Most of them are that of the progressive revelation of Kang Woo as a figment of Jae Yeol's imagination. 

DIARY: Life To-Do List

     As you all know, I hit rock bottom lately. Couldn't even eat or sleep. It has been what? Just 3 days? I have to make this to-do list to remind myself of the things I have to do. No biggy. I have so many things I want and should do, but I am just all over the place. Let's get to organizing! Oh, and enjoy this soundtrack from Sassy! Go Go! while you are reading! This actually keeps my head on the game for some reason. Maybe it's the title "Hold on [Hang in] There." :)

Hold on There (Sassy! Go Go! soundtrack)

SCHOOL RELATED:

• Submit UTA application
• Send official transcripts
• Activate student account
• FAFSA
• INS I-485 Receipt Notice
• Meningitis documentation
• Ask for transferable courses
• Attend Spring orientation
• Meet with advisor
• Schedule classes
• Get physical ID
• Inquire about summer classes and housing at PCT

HOBBY RELATED

• Revamp blog
• Upcoming blog entries to post**
• Finish watching dramas in my queue
• Fix blog ads
• Complete piano cover of Pachelbel's Canon in D
• Complete untitled piano piece by ear
• Complete piano cover of Yiruma's River Flows in You

OTHERS:

• Black Friday shopping
• Forever 21 haul
• Sungha Jung's concert
• Medical City Volunteering

PENDING BLOG ENTRIES: (**)

• K-Drama queue
• K-Drama OST's I like so far
• Next Forever 21 clothes haul
• My makeup essentials
• Diary: Our New Home
• Diary: KCON + NJ&NY Trip
• Diary: Missing New Jersey
• Diary: Vegas Trip

     Alright, I have all of those organized. I might edit this list if something comes up. And for the blog entries, I might post entries here and there that are random, so it's not really limited to those in that list. I am still feeling blue. I feel another diary entry coming!

P.S I have a private diary blog that I will link to this public blog. I might ask Kurt to put a password system for that button under the tag "DIARY." I don't know if that is possible, but we shall see!

K-DRAMA: List of Watched Dramas

     I wanted to make a list of all the dramas I have watched here on my blog. I just thought it's a nice way to keep track of them, and it kinda motivates me to add more to it! Let me know if you have watched some of them and what you think of them! Also, I might do reviews on some of these dramas. Not sure yet since I have been watching Korean dramas for years now (started in 2010), and I can't remember some of the plots well. We'll see how that turns out!

SUNGKYUNKWAN SCANDAL

PLAYFUL KISS

MY GIRLFRIEND IS A GUMIHO

WHICH STAR ARE YOU FROM?

MY NAME IS KIM SAM SOON

BOYS OVER FLOWERS

ILJIMAE

FULL HOUSE

ROOFTOP PRINCE

LOVE RAIN

I HEAR YOUR VOICE

PROSECUTOR PRINCESS

MY LOVE FROM ANOTHER STAR

THE HEIRS

BAKER KING

FLOWERBOY RAMEN SHOP

SASSY! GO GO!

OH MY GHOST

DESCENDANTS OF THE SUN

ANGEL EYES

DIARY: To Love Thyself

     It seems like the hardest thing to do for me so far is not to fall in love again, nor to get over a love that's dead, but to love myself as much as my own self loves me. It sounds crazy, does it? It is true that our selves love us, and that, it is us who find it hard to love ourselves. I have been in this constant battle for a year now. I can't believe that even a confident and prideful woman like me... would fall victim to this ugly monster. I am a hypocrite when I write this entry with such righteousness but will lie in bed later tonight hating every inch of myself more than anyone who has ever hated me.

     It's a journey, I believe. A journey of convincing myself to love my self. A constant debate between my emotional mind and my sane being. This is the result of many friendships broken and a love I could not save. There must be some kind of explanation for this, mustn't there? But I really don't have any. I don't even know what questions need answers let alone the questions to ask.

     All I know, though, is that my self loves me. All that is biological and spiritual about me... loves me. Being a health science major, I am very thankful to have studied the human body. I understand the physicality that makes us mortal. The anatomy and physiology... all of that. When I fracture a bone, it heals the injured area by filling itself with blood. The healing process goes from there. The amazing thing about a bone healing is that it forms a callous. The area grows a tad bit thicker than your bones. This is so you don't break in that same area ever again, and you won't. It gains resistance and strength... all because it was injured. When I go to the gym and beat myself up working out and lifting weights, isn't it a universal and well-known fact that when I tear a muscle it grows stronger and bigger? It is my body responding to pain and injury. When I hurt my body that way, my body combats that by strengthening itself more than it ever has before. When I bleed from a cut, my blood helps by clotting it. It stops my body from losing more blood. When I am sick, my immune system helps fight off whatever that's causing me ill. My body is constantly keeping me alive. It's constantly healing me. It's constantly making me better. So why is it that I forget about these things in the face of someone who looks better than me? Whose eye, lip, and nose placement is just a bit different than mine? Whose body just do not have enough adipose tissue (fat) than I do? Whose eye, hair, and skin color, are just a different shade of melanin? Why do those matter when, in an anatomical and physiological level, we are just the same? It's because it is all about acceptance and understanding of one's self. You will meet groups of people who look different from one another... but accept and understand themselves differently. It is all about that. And when you understand that your body, or anyone's body for that matter, loves the soul that lives in it... I hope that the soul it has welcomed since the day it was out of its mother's womb... will come to love its body, its home, just as much.

     Did I just write that? I feel better. I think my soul is coming to love its home, too.