DIARY: A Little Older, a Little Wiser

     Hello, blogbear! Hope you are doing well. Happy New Year to us! Remember to live each day as it is, and that it is okay to sometimes forget to live each day as it is. I have been gone for some time, and in all honesty, the reason I am writing again is because it is the 1st day of January, which gives me an excuse to do something "new."

     I am probably just going to write about myself again. I don't think a lot of my readers are interested in that anymore anyways. I find it easier to write when I write for myself instead of writing for others; however, I would like to entertain y'all as well. We have the comment section to interact with each other, and I hope y'all utilize it if y'all want to.

     Back in 2016, I know I wrote about how I found it so hard to love myself. I read through my posts, and I can't help but feel indifferent towards them now. My mind tells me I was in pain, but my heart can't seem to remember that pain anymore. I have fortunately grown out of that dark place. I do not regret all of it. I think, if it wasn't for that phase, I would not be able to understand myself and others well enough. It is a journey, dear blogbear. There will be rocks. There will be mountains to climb. Some days, you will have to walk the deserts without your fluffy slippers on. Some nights, you have to camp in the middle of the woods in a small, $30 Walmart tent. You will get scratched from the thorns of wild plants as you go off-trail in the forests, and you will sweat a lot under the heat of the sun. But you will get there. Being happy with and loving yourself is a journey. You can't skip the distance. You have to walk all its lengths. And when you get to your destination, to the point where you realize yourself is someone worth of the love you deserve, you will find out that the journey does not end there. The journey never ends. Your destinations are just check points. The journey of life keeps on and on, just with different adventures as you go. 2016, you made a stronger me. 2016 was the year of realizing my strengths and weaknesses. Of realizing that I live in a world that can be seen at different angles. And that the person who could not see and rejoice my strengths was better off somewhere else where his weak person would fit more. He simply was not for me.

     2017, though, was different. I think I have a lot to say about this year. The last half of 2016, I healed enough to finally open my heart to dating again. Long story short, it still did not end well. If anything, it turned out to be the worst. Well, worst in some aspects. It was rather a learning experience that, although was bittersweet and painful, I would never regret. I would not want to have it any other way either. The beginning of this year, I felt like a new person having to start over in Texas leaving the shelled and insecure Czarina back in Pennsylvania. I felt like I could do anything and be anyone who I wanted to be, and so I did. I started my new classes at the University of Texas at Arlington. I met someone and fell in love once more, giving love one more try. I thought to myself that I can love someone new now since I now know my worth and demanded to be treated according to my worth, and so I did. This person, though, taught me a lot about love. In summary, he helped me grow and make big leaps as a person but also managed to tear me down every so often. I can't really put it in a summary that makes sense because it is just too darn long and eventful. I learned that I crave honesty more than anything else. I learned that no matter how good a man treats you, if you are missing something, you'll make them settle and they will just look for whatever's missing in you in others. It was one thing to be tempted, but it was another to act upon it. I do thank him, though. I have never felt so aggressively fought for my entire life. To me, I think seeing him want to change and fight for me was already enough; however, not enough to make me want to keep him. I started out with enough confidence to keep moving; he helped me build this confidence as we went on, and in the end, he managed to tear it down as well. Because of him, I was left with absolutely nothing. In all aspects, I had nothing. I had to start over, but this time, with shame, anger, and little respect for myself. 2017, you own my lowest lows. I had some growing up to do. A friend told me that "when you hit rock bottom, you can't go any lower" to which I replied, "if you're at the bottom, all you can do is look and go up." I did just that. I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. I dropped out of 2 of my classes. I cried in my room for weeks. My mind was conditioned to crave him. My parents had to transfer me to Tarrant County College because they saw how much it affected me. I hated where I was. It was not the most painful, but it sure damn was the hardest. He simply was not for me. I looked up, and I prayed to God. And guess what? He answered me.

     2018 was the year of my highest highs. 2018 will always be the fruit of a love I had from someone who has helped me get back on my feet. I could have been told that I needed no one to do that. God could have just let me heal on my own, and yes, I could have healed on my own; however, I think God knows me so well. He knew that I had a lot of pride in myself, and making me survive this new low would have fed that pride a lot, I probably would have disconnected myself from everyone thinking I can do everything on my own. But God knows me so well, so He knew I had to heal by letting someone help me so that I do not think highly of myself. He knew I love the idea of love, anyways, so He probably hit two birds with one stone. I can only sing and praise 2018. I can only thank the man, who, although lied to me, brought out the best in me. If it weren't for him cheering me on sincerely everyday, reminding me that I can do all things and that he waited for me for a reason, I probably would not have seen the best side of me. I will forever remember his eyes and the way they looked at me as if I was the only woman in the world. I will forever rejoice the lips that told me of my strengths. Looking back, it was all perspective. I am not the best, nor the prettiest or smartest, and for the longest time, I struggled with that because Nathan reminded me of that reality, and Ben showed me that reality with his choices, but because of that man in uniform believing that I was, I became. I felt the smartest, the prettiest, the best self I possibly could ever be. Because of this, I have woke up everyday having the strength to carry the burdens of life on my own. It was an experience that I will never forget, and it has been almost a year now... and usually, I forget pains in the first half of the year, but what he has made me felt still lingers in my heart. Every now and then, whenever I am down, I bring out that box hidden away in my heart and find strength in him. God tested me, though. I have always been a woman of my own principles. I proudly said that I hold honesty above love, and God is sometimes sneaky like that. He put me to the test where I have to choose my greatest source of happiness or my own value. The man lied to me, and to me, this was God's way of seeing whether I learned anything from all my struggles with pain and dishonesty. I knew better and left. Most unfortunately, he... was not for me. 2018, you own my highest highs.

     2019, I can't help but feel excited for you. You are so young, and I have grown old. I can't say much about 2019 other than its youth. We're going to do good, yes? All I ask of you is to be kind to me, and in return, I will conquer you.